Along the Gravel Road Podcast
Welcome to the Along the Gravel Road Podcast where we’re changing the conversation around mental health. As a You Aren’t Alone Project non-profit initiative, the goal of the podcast is to provide a safe platform for people to share their stories and give others a sense of hope and connection.
With guests ranging from individuals who are open and willing to share their own mental health journeys to mental health professionals to share expertise and advice.
Trigger warning: Some topics discussed in these episodes may be difficult for listeners to hear. If you are feeling triggered by a topic, we encourage you to listen when you are in a better space, or with someone you trust.
Unless otherwise stated, topics discussed are based on personal experiences, not professional advice, and should not be considered an alternative to seeking support from a mental health professional when needed. Additional resources will be provided in the show notes of each episode.
Along the Gravel Road Podcast
Reflecting on Art, Resilience, and Mental Health with Antoine Lacey
Louisiana-native Antione Lacey joins us to share his truth and journey of growth and discovery. Antione is an artist, educator, and entrepreneur, who finds joy and solace in immersing himself in art to create something new. His honesty gives us a glimpse into the strength of the human spirit and the comfort we find in creativity.
Burnout is a real struggle, especially for those of us who pour our hearts into our work. We talk about finding balance between work and play, emphasizing how important it is to recharge—whether that's through gaming or indulging in childhood passions like anime. Antione reminds us that taking breaks isn't a roadblock to productivity; it's what keeps us going. Tune in for a chat that might change how you see downtime.
In the complex landscape of mental health, having support is crucial. Together, we explore the journey from darkness to light, highlighting the courage it takes to ask for help. We discuss the challenges of talking about mental health, but also the strength we find in community. Join us for a conversation about resilience, community, and the comforting truth that none of us have to face our struggles alone. It's a tribute to the healing power of art and a reminder to embrace our shared humanity.
Learn more about Antione's work at visionaryblessings.com
Follow along at instagram.com/youarentaloneproject or learn more at youarentaloneproject.com.
Welcome to the Along the Gravel Road podcast a you Aren't Alone project initiative. Today we're welcoming guest Antoine Lacey. Antoine is a native of Louisiana. In the arts realm Whether that's photography, graphic design, poetry or cinematography he loves to immerse himself in creativity and make something new. From this episode, he wants listeners to experience his truth and how he's grown as an artist and entrepreneur.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me today.
Speaker 1:Yeah, of course, from our experience of you being just a part of the live art event and now part of a lot of our creative expression exercises and activities that we do with the nonprofit, I've been wanting to kind of sit down and have you on this podcast, so I'm excited for you to really just jump in and tell us a little bit about yourself and some of the things that you hope to share today.
Speaker 2:Yes, about me. Where do I start? So recently it was my birthday, my 30th on Friday, march 15th. Happy birthday, thank you, thank you. I honestly don't know what 30 feels like. So I'm 30 now. I was born and raised here in Scotlandville. Around everything creativity, video graphics, photography, cinematography, just around artists and entrepreneurs as well cinematography just around artists and entrepreneurs as well.
Speaker 1:Nice and okay. So tell us a little bit about what, what parts of of your life so far or this journey have led you to, to where you are, or what are some of those, those like important moments that you look back and say, okay, so this, these are the things that happened to me, that kind of that.
Speaker 2:I want to be other people to kind of use, to impart, like some something or take away something from you sharing your story with us um, in regards to that, I can definitely say a part of me that's like all about storytelling, right, whether that's through my writing or through photography or through video is mainly storytelling how I can share my life and the lives of others with other people and also just capture special moments as well. Right, because anybody can write down something, but it's the, it's the written intention people have behind writing it down. Right, and that's what my poetry. And with photography, it's like I like to capture moments before I click the button, right, it's like before I click the button on the camera. I would like to like visually see it. How would that look to my eyes? Right same with video, to, where it's like these little moments I just love to capture.
Speaker 1:What are some of the you're talking about storytelling. What are some of the ways that you've utilized your art to tell your own personal story?
Speaker 2:I can definitely say what's like, the main thing is with my poetry, right. Main thing is with my poetry right. Um, back in let's just say 2020, 2021, I published my third book, my third book of poetry. So I have three books out. The first one is called um, the dream catcher, fool for thought. The second one is called muses and vices and the third one is called relapse and release. These three books, kind of like pivot, are kind of like pivot points of my own journey, right from the rise to the fall and arise again, right. So throughout my life I've written poetry, outlet to how I grew up, right. So everybody should know, um, or would know that I'm a teacher now at Scotlandville High, right, and what teaching comes with? A lot of good, the bad, the ugly. So with my writing, perhaps I would like to teach the students like, hey, this can be part of your outlet, so you can do this, write out your feelings, really talk about how you feel with it.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, it's poetry and so, from an early age, when you first started writing, what were there certain moments in your life that you found that writing was a really good outlet for? What type of things were you going through in that moment, and how did you use writing to? How did you use your writing to understand it or to get through it?
Speaker 2:I can definitely say it's been through not having it's like not having certain things in my life at the time, right.
Speaker 2:So, and let's just say, in two of my books, my first one and my second one, I talk about my mom. My mom, she has a slight mental illness, right, and with that I can like openly express how I feel about said mental illness to where it's like it's not her, but it's her mental illness and the love that I have for my mom. So she is kind of like the inspiration behind some of my writings and also, um, just learning about the poets in general. Right, you know, you have the Maya Angelou's, you have the Langston Hughes, you have the Nina Simone's. Perhaps, even though she was a songwriter, she is still a poet because you can hear it in her voice.
Speaker 1:Yes, so when you were writing these books and your mom sort of being this driving force um, is she still around today? Yes okay has. Have you been able to share your poetry with her? How is what does that look like if some of it is about her?
Speaker 2:honestly, she loves it, she, she loves it. She loves when I write, she loves like how I've grown since that moment, since those moments in my life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, as she was dealing with this mental illness. We've actually had a couple episodes recently where people were kind of sharing that experience of what it's like to growing up with a parent who suffers from some mental health issues and it's different for everybody. Obviously you know what was that like, did what or what were some of those struggles that you might have went through during that time period or some areas of growth that, from knowing that you're, you had a parent who was struggling with that.
Speaker 2:I can definitely say, in a sense of it, was mental, mental and emotional separation Right, because it's like mentally, you know how some people aren't there mentally Right and there aren't there emotionally to tend to your needs. And as you grow up you know like, oh, this is why you wasn't doing X, y, z, because of your mental illness.
Speaker 2:It's not necessarily you, you, but it's just the mental illness, right yeah and you kind of like have to take that hand to hand like, no, they wasn't a bad parent, they was just going through stuff. And as for me, now that I'm 30, or just my steps in my journey, it's like you just have to understand that majority of the time, people are just winging it. Yes, people, people are just winging it, whether that's raising a kid or whether that's you know, taking care of themselves.
Speaker 1:Right, because not everything we have taught is correct oh yeah, we're doing the best we have for what we.
Speaker 1:We've got a lot of, a lot of the times in our lives and that's, you know, that's such a hard.
Speaker 1:It's kind of a hard realization to come to of this being able to empathize for a person for the things that they've been through and their struggle, while also understanding that it did have an impact on you, having some of that emotional not always being emotionally available, whereas it's not a person's fault who's struggling with their own mental health and emotional issues that can definitely affect other people around you.
Speaker 1:But being able to understand and sort of separate the two and still give grace to the people around us. But having while also, you found this space where it was like, oh, I might not be getting all of that emotional support or connection that I'm looking for, so let me create that here in this, in this poetry, in your art. And so were there other like as, as you started growing as an artist, what did that look like from just starting out at a young age, did did teachers and things start to notice that you were an artist and start to encourage you? Or how did you start like really turning it into? Oh, this is something I know I want to do with my life. Ok.
Speaker 2:I'm I'm really smiling on the inside because, like that, you speak on this topic. I can really thank my teachers throughout my years of elementary, middle school and high school as well, like a big thanks to my teacher, ms Abbott, and hopefully she can see this, but I'm really thanking her because she actually kept my writings when I was a kid. She kept those and she kept the photos and, um, she give us, like, certain writing assignments and she tell us to like, make this rhyme with this and how does um a haiku poem sound to you, these people? So after that we have Mr Vinson and hope he watches this as well.
Speaker 2:Mr Vinson is also another inspiration to where it's like he actually wrote in my journal that I still have, with the poems from my first book in it. Right, he wrote in the back of my journal. He was like always have a thirst for knowledge, and that is something that I always remember from Mr Vinson, right. Then it comes my other teachers um, even though I can't remember them off the top of my head, but these are the main two teachers that you know stick out to me, right, but I can also say like um high school teachers, Ms Guillory and a couple others as well, but it's very important to have like teachers and people that are, that are in your life, that are like seeing your growth.
Speaker 2:Yes, they want to push you in a way yeah some people don't exactly know how, but they can see like you have a drive for this art. They have. You have a drive for something that's keeping you there, you know yeah, they don't even.
Speaker 1:They don't necessarily have to be, and it doesn't have to be another artist to say, like there's something special here, keep pushing, you have something here, and just having that to be able to kind of help just push, give you a little nudge forward. Because I mean, who's to say you probably could have still done all of this on your own if no one ever said, or maybe not you know? And so what led you to becoming a teacher? Or maybe not you?
Speaker 2:know, and so what, um, what led you to becoming a teacher? Honestly, it's all about knowledge. I like to, I like to share what I know and for me it's kind of like being a teacher and being a student at the same time. Uh, give, take, equivalent exchange, right. So with teaching, I get to share, like what I know about photography, what I know about video, even what I know about poetry and just growing up in general, because, let's just say, not a lot of kids know or get this type of experience to where it's like you can pull them aside and be like, hey, you shouldn't do this, but you can do this instead. You know that, that mental stimulation, that mental guidance that everybody needs once in a while. So that's just something that I do in the classroom and honestly, I like doing it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I like doing it, even though it's like of course you're going to have some students that will test you, but at the same time you still got to give them that firm, gentle guidance as well.
Speaker 1:And so you, you teach the arts then, like that's, or do you teach any other subjects?
Speaker 2:um, in a sense, just like, the main thing that I teach is digital media. Okay, yeah, and digital media can revolve around video, graphics, photography, anything that you can do on social media, content creation and all of that good stuff interesting and on the topic of content creation and social media yeah or do those do?
Speaker 1:in addition to like how to be creative and be successful in these spaces or create this content that people will enjoy, do y'all also have conversations around just the power of social media and how it can have negative impacts on you and things like that, like what social media is now so ingrained in our society? Is that conversations that you're having with your students?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can definitely say those are the top conversations that we have and like one of the most recent ones is the ban on TikTok right.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I asked them why do you think this is bad? Why do you think it's not bad? How can people benefit from the banning of this app? Right, because if this app gets banned, then a lot of people may or may not lose their jobs right. May or may not lose their jobs right, and as the economy is right now, it's like a lot of people are out of jobs and it's hard to find something that you will wake up, be happy about and just go to. You know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's all tough conversations that are going on right now.
Speaker 1:But to be able to have that with your students and have them be thinking in these terms like what, what are the possibilities here, what could this mean for other people and not just for me, and what I'm scrolling through today or what I'm able to to put out into the world, and how, how impactful that really can be, you know, and when we're talking about content creation, I mean even what we're doing here, right, like if somebody can listen to this and really take something from it, that can be a really impactful thing to move forward.
Speaker 1:But if we're sitting here talking about, you know, hate and whatever, and we're like trying to fuel some kind of flames of something negative that can easily take and grow, and it's like the amount of access that we now have to both knowledge and to, and what we can do with that is, I think, a great space to be able to sort of impart some of that on to students and guide them through this process of now sort of being that first generation that just has always had access to, to this knowledge, to all of this, this content being like thrown at us in a sense. Um, and so, in addition to teaching, you also are an entrepreneur. Yes, what does that look like?
Speaker 2:um, entrepreneur. To me it looks like how can I say this? You're running a race, you're running a race, then all of a sudden you start to getting thirsty, so you just stop for a little bit, drink you some water, then you run again. Then all of a sudden you kind of out of breath so you just start to jog, then you go for another run again. It's kind of like that, to where it's like you're doing the things that you love, but you also have to recognize that one of these times you're going to get a burnout. Right, you can't necessarily work through a burnout, but you can feel it. Yeah, so in order not in order to not, you know, overextend yourself. Sometimes you just got to be like oil rather than water, to where it's like you soak up in this one substance, this cup, right here, right, instead of spread yourself out like that one you know, yeah.
Speaker 1:So when, um in your work that you're doing now, um, what are you? What are you doing personally to account to help support you if you're feeling burnout or or how do you know when you can keep pushing forward I mean, being an entrepreneur sometimes it feels like it's that you can't stop. How do you sort of work against that to make sure that you're still having a balanced life?
Speaker 2:So for me, I'm a gamer, I'm a gamer as well. So for me, I'm a gamer, I'm a gamer as well. It's like if I'm with a project, I may finish, let's just say, 90% of the project, then the other 10% it can wait till tomorrow. Right, okay, the other 10% it can wait till tomorrow, but after that 90% I just put it aside and play some zombies. That's it. Favorite game right now is Dying Light 2. Even though it's kind of like three years old, that's it. Favorite game right now is dying like two, even though it's kind of like three years old, but still favorite game okay, okay, I like it, yeah, that's.
Speaker 1:I think that's something that I try to put into place too is like okay, I, as long as I get done I know I need to get to this point today and maybe that's that 90, maybe for me it's 50, whatever it is in that day. It kind of changes day to day. I know that's my goal if I can maybe push a little more and get a little bit more done, because I find I have the room for it. But if not, the next part of that is finding an outlet, finding some way to decompress and to take my mind off of that thing and move it into a space where it's really just about me. Like me, self-care and gaming for you is self-care, and finding the space and the time to do that. I think that's a really good, good way to find that balance. What about? What about when, after when, you get to a state of burnout or there are things or things you're putting in place to avoid it, or what are you doing to combat it when it is happening?
Speaker 2:so I can definitely say this as well. As well as um, gaming is gaming, but it's also um. Coming to a place to where it's like your mind just reverts to the things that you used to do as a kid, right, yeah, so for me, I watch anime, so on the shirt it's Orochimaru, but my favorite anime is Dragon Ball Z, so I may watch a few episodes of Dragon Ball Z and just relax a few episodes of Dragon Ball Z and just relax.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean what like an important thing that we need to, that we have to sometimes remind ourselves you may be 30 now, but that kid inside of you still wants to play. Like we still need to take care of our inner child and still find joy and just fun things, just entertaining things, and sometimes we forget about that. Sometimes we forget about that inner child.
Speaker 2:That's still like wanting to play we definitely do, um, because it's like we get bogged down by adulting, adulthood and every responsibility that we have to do, whether that's paying bills, replying to text messages, um, looking at emails and stuff like that but we just forget, like just turn on the tv sometimes, watch some cartoons, eat a bowl of cereal in your pjs and just relax yes, and don't feel bad about that yeah don't feel bad about that.
Speaker 1:You're not being productive because rest is productive.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And fun is productive and watching TV in your PJs is productive, you know, as long as it's not because you're feeling disconnected from the world around you and you're using it as a coping tool that instead of taking care of yourself, of course, uh, yeah, no, I think that's. I think that's so important and something we don't do enough sometimes. Um, especially right now, like with all the things kind of going on in our world, it can, it can start to feel overwhelming and exhausting and and you start to maybe there's some guilt you have around, like just doing those, like fun, mindless things, but to remind ourselves that we're still just like these individual humans, just, you know, trying to get through the day. It's OK.
Speaker 2:And it's like I think. I think there's a point when a guilt just seeps in. Say, for instance, you have a basket of laundry that you didn't fold or put away and it's been sitting there since yesterday. It's okay it's okay, just just leave it there.
Speaker 2:It will be done the next day. If you don't have anything to do, just do it. Yeah, that's all, don't. Don't feel ashamed about having a bowl of cereal. Don't feel ashamed about, you know, enjoying something that you love, even splurging a little bit on yourself, don't feel bad about it. Yeah. Because it's going to come and go, but it's you that stays there, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely, and you know, I think this topic also kind of comes up a lot with some of the artists that we've worked with with the nonprofit. You're doing this for a living in a lot of aspects. You're creating, you're using your art in your work. Does that ever kind of get in the way of creating for just yourself when you're sort of doing it as a job too? Hmm.
Speaker 2:I can definitely. It's more so like a two-pointer, like a yes and a no. Right? No, because it still allows me to be creative. But on the no part, my creativity is all over the place. Right, because whenever you're doing client-based work, you have to stay within the parameters of what the client may want. Right, but when you're doing your work, it's like you can be as creative as you want. You can draw outside the lines.
Speaker 1:Initially, you can yeah, yeah, and you kind of just get to let go for a second.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Just fully let yourself, and that's kind of part of what we were just talking about.
Speaker 1:That's such a good outlet to find that balance, using your art, taking away that pressure that comes with the doing it as a job and just letting it be a space where you can just fully be you and put that onto paper or to video, to whatever medium you choose yeah, and and it also comes with that kid, that that kid feeling right, because it's like as kids or when I was a kid, I was always told to color within the lines and I like to color outside the lines.
Speaker 2:I like to erase the black lines that that comes in the coloring book because I want to do it right and it's like it's no correct way of how you should be creative. You just make it, make it how you feel, with some clear intention, and just do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. So you submitted a series for our last live art event. That was pretty personal. Can you, would you be open to sharing a little bit about the story from those pieces and what that process was like for you, both when you were creating it and when you decided to submit it for the art show and like to put it in a public space where people were taking in that story?
Speaker 2:yeah, so, um, the piece that I submitted is called mental illness within black masculinity. First, I have to get some permission from my homeboy, flo de reese, if he's watching this flo de reese, um, I have to get some permission from him because he is also dealing with mental issues as well. It happens, right, absolutely. And as black men, sometimes we don't know how to address those mental issues because we are always told to man up to do these things instead of handling our emotions accordingly. Right, because it's like what does that truly looks like? Manning up, be a man about certain situations, how does that look?
Speaker 2:Because a couple things that we do from time to time right us as men. Sometimes we may run to the bottle, sometimes we may, you know, lash out for no reason, but at the same time, it's about controlling your emotions, learning how to maintain those emotions under heated moments and also, like you shouldn't always turn to these vices, right, right, because these vices lead nowhere. So, within that project, it was personal to him and me, because it's like this is my friend, this is my homeboy since elementary. We grew up in the same neighborhood together. Right, and to like really tell his story, not only his story, but my story, and also the stories of other men that has went through these type of emotions, is very personal to me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and what was that experience like, showing those pieces or if you've shown them in other art shows, what is that like? So there's the process of obviously creating it and going through that process, creating it, and then, with your friend, you have that process. What about when the public is actually like viewing a piece of your artwork? What does that feel like? What is what's going through your head in those moments?
Speaker 2:Tricky question, but it's more so like, um, they love it, but they want to know more about it, like, why did I choose these specific pieces? And the emotion that they feel? Or the emotion that is invoked as soon as they look at it. Right, like there's one piece to where it's. Like Flo is in a corner in the kitchen and he's holding his head right that specific piece. When a person is looking at it, they can feel the raw emotion that he felt from when he was down on the floor in the kitchen Just looking at that. That's the type of emotion I want to invoke within people Like, yes, this happens. Now we can openly express it, talk about it. It is like open therapy without the walls.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it sort of gives people permission to feel.
Speaker 2:Yeah, to feel and it's kind of like I invite you directly but indirectly into my space, type of thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I honestly commend the way. I mean, it's been really special for me to get to just experience, you know, the work that you've done and the art other artists that have participated in the live art event, because it is such the, the things that were, the, the moments that you all are sharing or the emotions that you're sharing are intense, like these are pieces that explore a lot of topics that are difficult to talk about and to understand, um, and sometimes to accept, and so it's been really special for me just to get to be, just to be able to witness it too, and so, like, what you're doing is very special, and so thank you for sharing that with us and with the nonprofit and now here in this space.
Speaker 2:I really appreciate that. Yes, ma'am allowing me to be in these type of spaces to explore not only my creativity, but to, like, really open up another vulnerable spot of mine, right? So it's another piece that I've submitted to the other place that you introduced me to right, yeah, the other place that you introduced me to right, yeah, and that one is kind of like my um, my 2020, going out with a bang type of photo because it expresses um self-destruction.
Speaker 2:You know how? You've seen like the blood all over my face and me looking towards the camera with one side of my face black yeah yeah, self-destruction and madness you know and that was, that was 2020. You said it took the photo 2020, but I didn't release it until years later because around then, 2020 it was a lot.
Speaker 1:It was a lot for me yeah so when you released it had, were you in a better place then.
Speaker 2:I was, yeah, I definitely was yeah because it's like um, just looking back on it, I'm like, wow, I came out the darkness. Now here I am. Yeah, because there's two concepts, um, two concepts I like to give myself right, um, one of those is my poem from my second book. This poem is called um, um, come to the River, resurrect me as a I mean, baptize me in art and resurrect me as a masterpiece. Right, that's the poem, and the other one is I am a beautiful. It's something with a masterpiece, though, but in a sense, I'm just talking about like, if the masterpiece looks broken, it can still be art.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely so. From the moment when you were dealing with a really dark moment in your life and that journey, and then now coming to where you are now and being able to kind of share that through your art, what during that process, what were some of the, the things that? How did you get help or support while you were going through some of that really painful stuff?
Speaker 2:for me it's kind of like um, I can definitely say me believing in God. My spiritual side, my mom, my aunt, my therapist, ms Hollins I definitely have to send this to her but still, ms Hollins as well, and my aunts, my aunts and my uncles, just my whole family collective, brought me through that moment right. Yeah, because it was a situation to where it's like I just wanted everything to just stop right. Because it was a situation to where it's like I just wanted everything to just stop right, like I really was about to become a masterpiece and just looking back on it, it's like that was a lot. That was a lot because, in a sense, I felt selfish, trying to take myself out this world when there's people that actually love me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like my mom yeah, and sometimes that saves us. Sometimes, if it, it's just the one thing that saves us and and then to have them that that's such a strong support system your family then be so there for you in those moments to really say, okay, maybe that was what stopped me from doing it, but now I know that not only is you know, not only is this not a choice that I want to make anymore or a path that I want to take anymore. I know that I'm not alone, and having them to help get you through that and get to a better place, I mean, having having a support system is just I D, and for some people they're just not like they. They don't have one in their family, you know. And so to have your family be that for you had to be really great.
Speaker 1:But was there any moment, though? You know? I mean, we're talking about mental health, right, and sometimes that's a difficult conversation to have, especially with some like older generations or people that maybe haven't just aren't as familiar with mental health and therapy. So was there any challenges in in, like getting help from your family during that time, or what did that look like?
Speaker 2:I can definitely say it was, it was me. It was me because sometimes you can just be the thing that's stopping you from getting help, right, yeah, it was like at first I didn't even want to talk about it, but they can blatantly see it on my face like something's wrong with you. You should talk about it. Yeah.
Speaker 2:No, you should talk about it, but it's like the challenging challenges of truly opening up, talking about how you feel, expressing how you feel, right, because that was something that I never got used to. Truly expressing how I feel because, in the sense of how I grew up, I didn't want to seem as I was, weak, right right but at the same time, you're not weak if you're expressing your vulnerable side right.
Speaker 1:That's strength.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, wow. So it was really you were sort of pushing against getting help, because maybe I don't know, I think there's a lot of thoughts that go through our head Like I don't deserve it, or that you know I don't want to burden other people, or or that I'm weak for feeling this way in the first place, and that can be. That can that can be really really scary to be in that place and then to have your family just keep pushing until you finally did, you know, come to them. Um, I think that's definitely to have that.
Speaker 2:To have people in your life that were able to do that for you is is really special yeah, and I can definitely say that, um again, when people are going through these type of things, they're not alone yeah they're not alone and there's always some type of support system, whether that's through family, friends or somebody that can that just pass by you on the street every day. There is some type of support system yeah, yeah, exactly that there is.
Speaker 1:You know, if you don't have, if you are and I think this is where it's it gets a little challenging because, being the person who is in that really, really dark place, it's very hard to reach out for help, almost impossible sometimes, either because you just don't have the words or you're too exhausted or for all those other reasons that we were talking about or for all those other reasons that we were talking about.
Speaker 1:So it's almost like what we need to do, or what we should do, is. I know, for me, I struggle with really, those really, really dark thoughts and it's gotten really scary sometimes and I didn't know a way out necessarily. But I had built this support system around me when I was feeling okay, so that, even if I couldn't say exactly the words, I had people who were calling and making sure things were all right or who knew to just show up. And so I think, if you don't have that, find it, and I think that the onus has to kind of be on us too, as individuals, to say to start like reaching out to those support systems when we are in an okay place and, on the other end, be that support system for somebody if you can, if you have the capacity for that, but sometimes that does mean a mental health professional and not just family or friends. So when you decided to make that decision to seek professional help, how did that come about?
Speaker 2:honestly, um, professional help. That was 2019. After um, after I graduated college, 2018, right, and I recognized within myself like something's not right, yeah, something is off. I'm feeling all of these emotions all at once, and it's like 2019, where it's like I published my second book of poetry, I just got a new job and somewhere down the line, I got a new car as well, after my current car started to act up in 2019. That was then, and it's like, hmm, I need help. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I need help, I need to seek it, but I came to a result of how, how do I truly seek this type of help that I need? Who can I trust in a trust with my deepest, darkest secrets, type of thing, you know. And once I trust that person, will that person let me down or will I let that person down that I'm trusting? So it's like again give and take type of thing, you know.
Speaker 1:Gosh, I think you described every person's journey or struggle or thoughts in that process of reaching out for help for the first time or again after you know, after you thought you were doing well and then you needed help again. That's all the thoughts that I mean. So many of us are having those, those thoughts against ourselves of like can we trust them? Can I trust myself? Am I I going to fail them? Are they going to fail me? And it's sort of I mean we're we grow up to be to, with those thoughts like going through our minds. Different experiences teach us that those are things we need to be concerned with. So what did it look like after you started seeing a therapist? What types of things in your life did you notice changing or being impacted by that experience?
Speaker 2:I can definitely say learning my attachment styles and learning how I love, right? Because if I'm in a relationship with a person and I'm doing excessively, too much, and I have to recognize like hey, what is your love language, what is your attachment style to this person, what is your attachment style to yourself, and you start to recognize these things within yourself and be like, okay, this have to change, that have to change, because it's like initially you don't want to seem as though like you're being toxic to in a relationship or toxic to a friendship, right, but you want to be as genuine as you can so you can be the best person for them. They can be the best person for you. You can be the best person for yourself, you know yeah, that comes with a lot of um.
Speaker 1:Once you're starting to recognize those things is you know how your attachment styles are, other people's attachment styles and how those impact you, and maybe that that's not the best you know space for you to be in and then you start setting boundaries with people. It can first start off as, especially in existing relationships, it can sometimes butt up against those relationships because you've developed these patterns for so long yeah and now you're trying to, you know, trying to undo them and make new patterns that are more productive.
Speaker 1:Um, so yeah, I mean, that process is definitely an impactful one in a lot of ways, and it takes work. It definitely takes work.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it definitely takes work, because it's like if you're constantly doing something for a long time or if you're constantly fixated on something for a long time, it creates insanity, and nobody wants to be insane Insane in the membrane but that's how it is. When it comes to like recognizing your own faults Not the faults in others, but your own faults at hand yes, yeah, yeah, your own faults, not the faults in others, but your own faults at hand.
Speaker 1:yes, yeah, yeah. So did you notice, um, or did your art change at all during that process? Did you notice that your art was starting to any like, was starting to take some of the things you were learning or taking from therapy? I'm just curious if that shifted at all from like before you reached out for help for the first time, or got some help around mental health, and then after oh yeah, um, I can definitely say the after part is start to make me look at things in a more brighter perspective.
Speaker 2:Right, because my earlier art style was kind of dark, but my newer art style is like it's medium, happy, but also it's like you still gonna get glimpses of, you know, the doom and gloom, but not too much doom and gloom, right, but the doom and gloom is just telling a story, not intentionally how I'm feeling, but just telling the story yeah, you know yeah and it's like it's opened up pathways to where it's like, okay, I'm creating something that really makes me feel happy.
Speaker 2:What do I love? How can I see these things? And what I love? How can people see these things? Of what do I? Of what I love? You know, like, um, right now I want to create more things of the sci-fi nature, because I love sci-fi. I love other than other than anime. I love sci-fi. I love Blade Runner, demolition, um, the fifth element, movies like that, and where it's like I can try to make my art pivot into that direction. Nice.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that. I love that. Yeah, I think what I hear from a lot of artists with art and mental health, that intersection that we talk a lot about I hear a lot of people sort of struggle from that process is when their art kind of starts off as sort of feeding the destruction and being such an intertwine with some of that darkness and destruction. And then when you're but you're, then you do the work to kind of work on yourself and get to a better place and then, but some people feel like they lose some of that in the beginning that was such like a impactful piece of their work but it has. You have to start realizing like that's a process too is starting to recognize how your artwork is an extension of who you are and your being and it doesn't need to be dark and destructive. You don't need to be dark and destructive in order to create the things that you want to put out into the world.
Speaker 1:And a lot of artists I think I struggle with that. I look back on art that I did before when it was just sort of chaos and pain and you know all of that, and sometimes I'm like, oh gosh, maybe that was kind of good. But then I'm like no, it's the after, that's like, that's what, in still giving people like some understanding around, here's the things I've been through. But here is where. Here's how I got here, you know, and here's where I am now and like what I love and I want to share that sort of joy as much as I want to share that it, that it there may have been some pain. That's okay that I needed that I went through that, that I'm here now yeah.
Speaker 2:So what you just said I can definitely relate to that. That because some of my old writings from my notebooks I just look back out on them I'm like I wrote this but I was feeling like this Right Me. But then again it's like, ok, this was a stepping stone for me to get into a new direction, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, it's still part of me, you know it's still part of us, but we don't necessarily need it to still be able to be an artist or be a creative or whatever it is that you're doing in your life, that you're sort of passionate about being an entrepreneur. You know it's okay that that is still a part of our story. It just doesn't need to define us anymore and that's at least for me. That was part of the process of really moving forward from the depression and anxiety and being able to live with it, but in a way where I didn't I didn't need it you know, it wasn't who I was yeah, I can.
Speaker 2:I can definitely say that that point it wasn't who I was and it's not who I can be right, I can be better than this situation, you know, and also I can definitely say um, for me, getting tattoos is also a part of my milestone too, like recently I just spoke about what happened in 2020. So one of my tattoos from 2020, or the one that I got in 2021, is my Lord is With Me. In Arabic, akhiruq Bima'i. Akhiruq Bima'i is my Lord is With Me, and that's the one that I got in 2020. The other one is baptized man. Art resurrect me as a masterpiece. All right. So every milestone for me creates a tattoo in itself my journey, my experience, my love for my art and my creativity I love, love that I do the same thing.
Speaker 1:Mine are all like have these sort of they kind of mark these moments in my life where it was like this meant something and and it in a different ways, you know. But I I think that's, yeah, I think it's special. I do that too. Actually, I'm getting one next month, the day before the live art event. I'm getting one that's going to kind of mark this part of my life and my journey.
Speaker 2:You said next month. Yeah, okay, I'm getting a new one this weekend, oh, you are Okay nice.
Speaker 1:Is it like a 30th thing, or is that?
Speaker 2:It's more so like a 30 thing, but also another milestone. That is just one of those tattoos that I should have gotten to mark like this is who I am type of thing, right. So for me, the next tattoo is going to be a tattoo of a wolf Right, because my poetry name is Abstract Wolf, my poetry is abstract and wolf because I have a gluttonous appetite for success. That's my meaning behind. I am wolf, right, and just becoming wolf. I'm not separating Antoine from wolf, it's all in the same thing. But this is wolf, this is my creativity, this is my path, this is everything else that I stand for as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that. I'm excited to see it.
Speaker 2:Thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1:Okay, anything, any other exciting projects or anything coming up that you want people to know about, or how do we get more information about your art and your work?
Speaker 2:Let's see, on Instagram, y'all can follow me at abstractwolf with two f's, and also my business page at visionary blessings, and I can definitely say, um, more projects is on the way. Um, I just need collaboration, really, yeah, collaboration and people to just help me work with this path, help me produce this art in a sense of y'all know, y'all can see it growing, but to really let it pivot into the upper direction, that's what I want, and also the project wise, let's just say, with this year is going to get weird, okay.
Speaker 2:It's going to get extremely weird, but also it's like very creative.
Speaker 1:Okay, I like it. I like it. Any last takeaways or anything that you want people to remember from this conversation as we wrap up.
Speaker 2:I can definitely say that for those that are listening, you're not alone. You're not alone, and if you need help, just let us know. Let me know, because I was in the same spot as you. I felt the same as you. Right, I may not look, you know all like the sharpest tool in the shed, but at the same time, I can help you through those type of experiences.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's how we get through it together. Well, thank you. Thank you so much for sharing today. This was a lot of fun, and you know I just love your art, I love your work. I'm really grateful that you're a part of the nonprofit and that you've been able to be a part of sharing your story with others, that I really believe that by you sharing some of these things, I think it helps other people know they're not alone even more, and so thank you for that.
Speaker 2:No problem.
Speaker 1:And thank y'all all for listening.
